Your Landlord is bored of sensible decisions (Jackpot January #9)

Dear Tenants,

We regret to inform you that your landlord is ‘bored of sensible decisions.’

As he puts it, he is ‘no longer interested in the fickle drudgeries of the market’ and ‘needs a new outlet to maximise his profit and satisfaction.’ He has requested that we express his intention to turn your rental property into ‘the ultimate reality TV funhouse’ that ‘comments on the tacky crisis loop of our artificial capitalist reality.’

There will be a transitional period as he begins renovations to the end of creating his ‘first serious artistic work.’ His plan, he wishes to inform you, is to produce and edit footage with the end goal of televising the series. If successful, he will proceed with the production and then further renovate the property to advance its status as a high art piece. He believes this to be a more meaningful use of his assets, not to mention a significant financial benefit.

You have likely already noticed a few small changes. In the interest of transparency, please find below a complete list of the works currently due to take place:

• The process of covering the windows with cement has already begun, as you may have seen. This will limit your light exposure and allow for a ‘more user-friendly canvas’, in the landlord’s words, to decorate the outside. He intends to leave a small slit in the concrete, resembling the kind you would see in medieval castles. He is open to modifying the size of this gap, provided you submit a request in writing.

• A small block of wood has been placed at the foot of the front door on the outside of the property. The landlord’s workmen will further develop this renovation such that the whole door is hidden behind the wood. This will be completed today.

• The shower has already been removed. Its replacement, an enlarged ‘bird bath’, will be delivered via a tunnel dug underneath the flat. Please expect this within the next two weeks. Further, please note that you will not have access to the trapdoor which serves as the tunnel’s entrance, as this is strictly and solely to be used by maintenance workers.

• Over the next month, new wallpaper will be put up in the flat. Its design is inspired by wartime British political cartoons, but features the mascot for the proposed television show. This is to reflect the military theming on the show.

• A small cache of primitive weaponry (slingshots, wooden spears, large nets etc.) may be found under the kitchen sink. This is for use during the weekly physical challenges.

• Within the next six months, the landlord will have the living room fully transformed into a simulation of an African savanna, complete with shrines, temple ruins, and living shrubs. The room will run on a life-like day-night cycle, complete with a weather system and limited shelter from the elements. The landlord wishes me to inform you that he takes inspiration from Percy Bysshe Shelley’s 1818 poem ‘Ozymandias’ in the development of this set.

• Finally, two months from now, small rodents will be introduced into the remaining rooms of the flat to increase the ‘survivalist challenge’ element. Please manage your food accordingly.

We have already been granted written permission for the above changes from the council and a sponsoring television network, and will be happy to produce these documents upon request.

We understand that you may have concerns with the suggested alterations. In that case, you are of course free to write to our tenancy management team, or to the landlord directly. However, when voicing your opposition, please bear in mind the contents of Section 12.1 of your tenancy agreement: ‘The tenant will co-operate with any and all developments the landlord wishes to undertake on the property regardless of notice. Failure to comply with the landlord’s requests will result in the immediate termination of the contract.’

If you remain in the property without full assent to the landlord’s terms, you will be considered in violation of your contractual obligations, and will therefore face legal consequences.

Thank you for your attention on this matter.

Sincerely,

Wellingtons Luxury Estates